Be the Master of Your Own Butt

Hello again.  This is a brief opinion article by Ugly. Introductions are awful, but I do them to mask my writing’s glaring illegitimacy.

Why anyone needs a premise for anything is beyond me.  This breeds confirmation bias. I wish people would launch into their stories more often. Take a William Golding approach. If you didn’t read Lord of the Flies, shame on you. You monster.

You all know I’m dumb AF and everything I say is pointless. Just listen to me with one eyeball and use the other to check your pimpledick tumblr. Don’t mind all my literary faux pas. Or do.

I could say this here thing is about how great you are and how beautiful your life is, but that’s not my style. Let’s be real for a second.

We get upset about stupid shit.

I could say neat stuff about you to soften the blow of my real message. It would be more effective. One of many things that make us dumb is needing validation from others. We want 38 compliments for every .2 criticisms. Damn stupid. I will say that we can unstupid ourselves over time, with a lot of devotion to logical reasoning.  It will make everything in your life easier. I promise. Well, except when you offer someone logic and they say,

“Logic is so boring!”

And they merrily hop off riding bouncy balls on roads made of thumbtacks.

*Le sigh*

I’ll go ahead and do the thing you aren’t aware you expect until I point it out. To the intro!


^almost forgot



we are going to talk about


the things you and most people think that are excruciatingly stupid.  Fret not, this isn’t your fault. Everyone is responsible. I fall victim to this trash all the time.

Let’s take a moment of silence to sigh in relief at the end of that intro we all vomited while shitting to.

We are addicted to our expectations.  When they are met,  we go rocketing to the heavens, because we’re rife with glee and pay no heed to how apocalyptically dumb we are.  Yes,  it’s a nice feeling.  Dopamine is good. That’s fine.

It’s another story when expectations are not met.  Boy are we mad as fuck! Let’s say I love action movies. Im excited to see the new Mad Max! But my friend, Hot Kyle, bought me a ticket to see Django, a perfectly reasonable screamy-pewpew-sex-stabby-boom-boom-kitty-fuck movie.

That fucker!

I thought we were seeing Mad Max: Fury Road.


Little did I know,  it’s 2012! Shit. Now the movie is ruined because reality is a rubber band.  I wanted to see Mad Max. Fuck man, what a bummer. I guess I’ll do this other fun thing while shitting all over it.

I didn’t get my vacation.

My date didn’t put out.

I couldn’t do 9 pull ups  because my dog Sparkie caught the ‘betis and I gained 20 pounds in a pit of despair after delivering 2 shots to his face per day.

^That is mostly a true story, beeteedubs.


Stop that.

Look,  it’s ok to be sad.  But we can open our metaphorical brain wallets and pay a chubby stripper to take a step/flying-leap-off-a-bridge back and help us figure out what’s what IRL.

A nice measuring dick, excuse me,  stick,   that I use for finding levels of terrible is a point of comparison. Like when some guy on a motorcycle was hit by a drunk driver in front of me, and I heard him scream without moving his twisted arms.  That’s terrible. He can’t think his way out of his problems, you can. By being rational, and not by being high strung or entitled.

Your quality of life doesn’t hinge on that trip to Maui. You can have a wonderful week away from work anywhere.

Your quality of life doesn’t hinge on your significant other. You can be happy on your own two hooves, clopping merrily along to songs about empowerment by Beyoncé and Lady Gaga.

Your quality of life doesn’t hinge on whether or not you get married,  own a 2 story house,  drive a nice car,  have a hot wife, get a promotion, have cable (Internet is another story), or dye your hair every month.

Your quality of life hinges on having your basic human needs met. After that, it’s all up to you. You can choose to be happy about shit. You can stop being a big ‘ol dumdum.

Don’t allow the negative to outweigh the positive.


Don’t preach your optimism to me or call me negative. It’s not negative if it’s the truth.

Being strictly positive is a gross violation of realism. Just make sure you examine every facet of every situation that bothers you and challenge yourself to see things as they are.

Don’t lower your expectations. Reassign them to matters that are in your control. Fuck everything else. Let Life’s shenanigans roll off your back like water on a duck’s ass.

Peace, Bitches!

-♡ Ugly